Willem Dafoe used to wait tables at the Windmill Denny's in Arcadia
life rx 19 aug 24
this week, wir haben the nine of cups und etwas von Dorothea Lasky’s “The Gold Ballroom”:
“A dress that is high in the neck
Is best to see yourself in
I have come here from far away
To see what time could do to me”
the aleatory
Eventually, it all changes. You once stood on the banks of the Mississippi, and you don’t even remember. Now you’re a different person, one who stands at the banks of another river later on in the same movie. Later on in the same movie, Willem Dafoe arrives.
You can say anything about Willem Dafoe in Los Angeles, and everyone will believe you.
Why not try the same trick with yourself?
For some reason, I have come to this shining city on the coast to see what time can do to me. Sometimes, I think this has been a great folly. But I also don’t want to do as much to stop time as I used to. I don’t even wear makeup most days—not even a hint of it. I’ve gotten used to my face as it is. I think it’s a good face, actually. I can’t imagine painting another one on top of it, and at this point, it seems like it would be perverse to begin.
The nine of cups is nearing the completion of a cycle. Each suit represents a journey toward the mastery of one of the elements, an increasing capacity for complexity. The nine of cups is a happy card—it means that you can carry a lot. Your ability to receive things is well-honed and your buckets are plenty. When it rains, you will be ready to make use of whatever falls.
But the thing is, if you put out a bucket, you may receive things other than rain. Worms, for instance. Or tiny diamondlike shards of pine sap. Or nothing but dust.
Uncertainty is the best kind of luck, if you can learn to stomach it.
the assignment
be uncompromising in your uncertainty until it brings you a treat. take a picture of your pantry or the view from your couch so you can visit this version of yourself again someday.
writing prompt
write a poem made of all and only questions (question marks not necessarily required)
a chune
“How To Disappear Completely” by Radiohead
I call it dream FM—sometimes I wake up around three or four in the morning, and a song is already playing in my head. There is no clanking machinery of memory that cues it up. It has been playing in some dark auditorium before I even was there to notice it. Sometimes this is because I’ve heard the song recently. Other times, the arm of a ghostly internal jukebox just selects the disc and drops the needle. (“Stop the chatter and drop the platter, this is the Wolfman of Del Rio calling out across the wire ….”) Apparently in some interview, Thom Yorke said that he would want to be remembered by this song because he felt it was the most beautiful music Radiohead ever made. I forget whether I’ve bitched about it here, but I’m sort of bearish on the flood of “sad” music over the last 10?ish years. All the whispering. All the maundering. All that Etsy shite that’s a t-shirt that says “TOO DEPRESSED TO BE BLESSED” with a bootleg Lisa Frank unicorn. It all feels cynical to me, or soft-headed. I feel like there’s some evasion going on. Unlike this song, which makes me feel very strongly that the world is beautiful and worth protecting. A very different thing.
credits: small spells tarot deck by Rachel Howe
The Shining by Dorothea Lasky
Kid A by Radiohead
dear diary, I had no idea what “Willem” was literally just some showbiz razzmatazz. I thought he really had this extreme, graven name. Naw. It’s just William. Please, is it too late for me to take a stage name? What should it be? Every time some creep asked me for my name in a bar, I told him the only name I could come up with in the moment: ANJELICA HUSTON. And then I would die laughing. So, not that one. But what should it be, what should it be? Should I follow Willem’s lead and make it something like Sarahg? Sarra? Sarxah? SarACK? Xera? xSara? XS please don’t hate me if I actually do this. It will make it special—you knew me back when I was just a humble waitress at the Windmill Denny’s in Arcadia.