diary 2

this is how we do it

1.

Rollerskating is spiritual because you can’t stop. Stop by running into a wall, yes. By falling, yes. And if you’re one of those people who can gracefully drag a toe behind them, yes. But I mean the motion of it—unlike walking, where you can prolong the moment between steps easily and infinitely—is continuous.

J and I went to Cal Skate yesterday afternoon. J, who hasn’t skated since childhood, is immediately fearless and fast, dipping to “This Is How We Do It.” I, who have been practicing skating in the living room ever since I bought myself a pair of purple Moxies in January, go much slower. The moment I feel the speed picking up, I coast some. I need to back off. I need to ride the breaks. My “too much, too soon” sensor is extremely sensitive.

I interpreted that, for a long time, as a character failure. I thought I was cautious, boring, limited. But lately I’ve decided to just let it be the way I do things. If I don’t, if I’m supposed to just daredevil my way into everything without fear, I will hide forever. I will never go rollerskating or do anything I’m not already good at.

But if I can go the way it makes sense to go, and build up the way it makes sense to build up, I can do anything.

2.

The version of me who goes to the grocery store sees no need for snacks except for—psychotically—sea salt-only microwave popcorn.

And raw almonds. God.